Cultural Chernobyl

Poland is poor.

Poland has a tragic history.

Polish cooking makes Fish and Chips look like haute cuisine.

Polish cityscapes are like moonscapes, but without the atmosphere.

This is all true and it is all sad.

But on the plus side, one thing Poles agree on is how smart they are and how laughably dumb Americans are.

Sorry guys, it looks like the Americans heard your laughter and the CIA launched a black ops project code-named “Weekend”. And even now this cultural Chernobyl is spewing out its poison across the land. And, so, rather than engaging in that time-honoured Polish activity of vodka-fueled philosophical discussions till the early hours, Polish youth is listening in slack-jawed wonder to, ”Ona Tanczy Dla Mnie” (She Dances For Me).

The full horror of this genocide on taste can be sampled above. But be warned. If you watch, keep the sound down and if you listen, for God’s sake cover the screen. Psychological studies have shown that just watching the smarmy dweeb doing his wirujący sex shtick tends to cause irrational rages. Conversely, listening without video in more sensitive individuals has been observed to cause a profound melancholy up to and including thoughts of suicide. The researchers didn't have approval to expose human subjects to both audio and video. However, trials with chimpanzees turned up symptoms akin to those of crack cocaine addicts.

The monkey results shouldn’t be dismissed out of hand as the researchers point out that the average viewer of “She Dances For Me” is likely to have a similar I.Q. to our closest simian relation.

With this in mind, it is my sad duty to reveal that this song has been viewed 55, 521, 168 times!

In studying the likely effect on the Polish population I have made several assumptions:

·        The Polish population is only 38 million.

·        There are only so many mentally retarded 6-year-olds.

·        Therefore many “adult” Poles have seen it more than twice.

·        Anecdotal evidence suggests that nobody could watch the clip more than once without severe psychological consequences.

·        Consequently, Poland is facing a mental health crisis.

But what if Weekend are not CIA stooges? Terrifyingly that leaves only one possibility.

Yes. The beast that will not die is back.

Disco Polo, the aural equivalent of Polish cooking, has risen from its coffin.

Poland, fight back now. It is not too late.

If you don’t…

At some point in the near future you’ll be watching one of those American 6-year-old beauty pageant shows on TV and think…

Wow, that’s really cool!