Liberal Replicants

Few people know about the first attempt by a replicant to win the presidency of the United States. It seems like a million years ago but it was only back in 1988. Fortunately, that was in the days of the Nexus 6 model. This model could still be easily distinguished from a human by its primitive human empathy software.

Dukakis the biorobot candidate that year was caught out, as they usually were, by screwing up a complete no-brainer moral dilemma. A no-brainer as simple as: What should the Brad Pitt character in Seven do when he finds his beloved wife’s head in a box, and the smiling killer kneeling before him?

It was in the presidential debate and CNN’s Bernhard Shaw threw what he probably thought was a soft ball at the Democratic candidate.

Shaw: “Governor, if Kitty Dukakis were raped and murdered, would you favor an irrevocable death penalty for the killer?”

Dukakis: (whirr) “No, I don’t, Bernhard… (drone, drone)”

That was that. The voters didn’t know he was a replicant, but they could see that there was something missing where they’d hoped to find human sensibility. Thus America was saved from Armageddon for a couple more decades.  

Twenty years later, though, the replicants had learned their lesson. Not only did they field the new and improved Nexus 8 model, but they gave it an appealing milk chocolate color, whilst retaining Caucasian features. This struck precisely the right psychological note, offering as it did a chance to vote for a “post racial America” without getting the Che Guevara version.  

Then the marketing boys had another brainwave about selling their still jarringly cold candidate. His coloring and the added variety of wardrobe options that made available helped, but the sales pitch was what swung it:

“Hey, he’s not cold. He’s coooool.

And if you can’t see that, white stiffs, you’re racist assholes.”

But, of course, they weren’t “racist assholes” and to prove it they voted in the first skin job president.

But that’s not the worst, America. If it was just a matter of a cyborg president. That could be fixed. It’s much much more global than that. In short, the world you think you know is gone!

Take a look around you. If there are more than about 4 or 5 strangers in the room, the chances are that one at least one of them will be a replicant. Maybe it’s Bill at the office, who wishes you, “Happy Holidays” or Mary down at the church who has a way of staring at you that gives you the creeps.

So, what can we do?

It’s a little known fact that far from being a bed-wetting Hollywood liberal, Ridley Scott is in fact Rita Scott and a brave Daughter of the American Revolution. Apparently, the resistance didn’t have a feeble enough male patriot to convincingly pose as a liberal lefty. So 30 years ago she bravely agreed to go into deep cover and present the image that all we patriots love to hate. So convincing has her heroic charade been that no one even in replicant central, Hollywood, has suspected the truth till recently.

Thirty years ago in her first mission known to the world as the film Blade Runner she both warned America of the impending catastrophe and gave us what is still the last word in detecting the enemy within. The essential problem is this. There are more and more skin jobs and they’re getting harder and harder to spot.

The hero Rick Deckard (Harrison Ford) gives what amounts to a brief lecture on what is still the most effective means of identification. You simply ask several questions designed to produce a human emotional response. Your instinct will do the rest. The technology that Deckard needs in the film was just a successful ploy of Rita’s to throw off suspicion that she knew their dastardly plot .

In the film, the Deckard question which finally reveals Rachael (Sean Young) as an advanced replicant is:

“A banquet is in progress. The guests are enjoying an appetizer of raw oysters. The entrée consists of boiled dog!”

Not only is this a great example of a question that produces an appropriate emotional response in humans and so reveals skin jobs. But more than that it also serves as an almost prophetic warning from Rita of the future culinary tastes of our first replicant president as outlined in one of his best selling autobiographies.

Rita’s secret mission remained unsuspected until she cracked under the strain of living a lie and in a spell of mad recklessness made the patriotic blockbuster Blackhawk Down. After this, her unmasking was only a matter of time. In a last desperate bid to re-establish her credentials as liberal dhimmi she conceived the project Kingdom of Heaven. Surely after portraying a wise careworn Saladin vanquishing the evil and blood thirsty Crusaders she could yet save herself.

And it might have worked, but she couldn’t bring herself to produce an effective piece of anti-Christian propaganda. Edward Norton who could have carried the film was cleverly hidden behind a mask throughout. But the real genius was in the casting Orlando Bloom in the role of a man. That effectively signaled to anybody with two brain cells to rub together that the film was merely a spoof and not to be taken seriously.

Sadly those others were not taken in either. Rita’s true identity became known and it grieves me to report that she has now been substituted by a replicant double.

Apparently, Blackhawk Down II exposing US Rangers as psychotic baby killers is now in pre-production.

R.I.P. Rita Scott

Rita is gone, and we shall not see her like again. But she showed what can be done.

We must not give up.

Use her methods to expose the biorobots across America.

These unfeeling cyborgs leading America over the abyss must be stopped!

In the words of another Scott hero, Proximo, from Gladiator:

“Ultimately, we are all dead men!

Sadly, we can’t choose how. But we can decide how we meet that end.

In order that we are remembered as men.”