Not always the best of friends, Jack and I

Many years ago as a very stupid 18-year-old I decided to impress my friends by drinking a full bottle of whiskey on top of a couple of strong beers. It has to be said that my reputation for manliness was not enhanced by what followed. After about 15 minutes I collapsed and about 3 hours later a wretched, vomit spattered semi-corpse was delivered home. Not least among my parents’ many virtues was their uncomplaining and understanding tolerance of their sons’ follies. I was promptly put to bed and not a word was ever spoken about the trouble and worry I had undoubtedly caused them.

The point of the anecdote is that not only did my parents give me a break, my body did too.

The next morning was bright and clear and so was I (after a muzzy hour or so). Just like Phil from Groundhog Day despite the extreme depredations of the previous night I woke up without a scratch on me, not a dent in the fender.

A lot of trouble is taken to dissuade young people from drinking and rightly so. But biologically speaking there is no better time to get drunk. It’s one example that just occasionally in life there is such a thing as a free lunch. You go to the party, you drink enough Dutch courage to engage with English womanhood (a substantial quantity in my case). Then next day you wake up fresh as the proverbial and ready to give it another go that night.
Fast forward 30 years, however, and it was not only suicidal drinking binges that were out of the question, I was getting hangovers from a single glass of beer or wine.

Now however I have discovered the very best remedy for a hangover so whilst I have no desire to get plastered ever night, I can now polish off a bottle of wine with my long suffering spouse without biting the heads off the kids the next day because of a splitting head.

Without further ado, I’ll cut to the chase.

Prevention is better than cure. This will not help you too much after the damage has been done to your brain. You’ve got to prepare your body to deal with the poison you’re intending to deluge it with.

The morning before the party or pub meet drink at least two or three cups of strong ground coffee. You will no doubt already be aware of how effective such a “coffee enema” can be for any intestinal inertia you may be experiencing. That’s in fact what we’re going for, but it’s not going to be enough in this case. To achieve full hangover prevention you need to magnify the flushing action so to speak. So right after the coffees you’ve got to down a one and a half litre bottle of fizzy water. This will turn a humble plop into something I like to term "The Dambuster”.

You’ve no doubt read a lot of about this detox and that detox. Forget all that rubbish, this is the real deal.

I’m no doctor, but this works better than any of the so called cures sold at a drug store. No scratch that. This works and no other hangover cure does (apart  from abstinence).

The effectiveness of "The Dambuster” comes down to its effect on your digestion. Older people prop up an entire industry devoted to their lack of  bowel movements. That problem also seems to make them prone to godawful hangovers. It turns out that a cure for one is a cure for the other. Simply put, get the bowel moving like a teenager and your body will cope with alcohol like one.

Drink sensibly. Remember as Spiderman’s uncle has it: “With great power comes great responsibility!”

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