Perfect Moral Compass

                                    You can rely on Mohammad to get it wrong every time

I’ve found the perfect moral compass: Mohammad.

That’s right the Arabian warlord who gifted us Islam. That one. The highest example of humankind according to Mohammedans, pbuh, Mohammad. 

Oh wow, no more doubts. My way in the world is clear. I now have the answer to every question moral and practical that life presents. All I have to do is learn Mo’s teaching on any subject and do the exact opposite.

Here’s a few examples:

Should I have sex with that very fetching 9-year-old girl? Hmm let’s check with Mo. Well as it turns out the big Mo not only thought it was fine, he did it himself. So that’s a definite no no then.

How about marrying my first cousin? I know it increases the chance of birth defects on our children about 15 times, but she is well set in life and has a superb pair of tits. Damn! Not following Mohammad can be hard at times. Apparently, he thinks marrying a first cousin was just what the allah ordered.

Should we close that moral blot on America’s soul, Guantanamo? Well that’s an easy one. According to the Mo there is only one appropriate punishment for irreconcilable enemies: beheading. Tricky this one. I'm inclined to think he's got a point on this one. But that's the  thing with moral compasses, you either follow them 100% or bin 'em. So I guess we’d better keep Guantanamo open and allow our psycho supremacist enemies the chance to see the light and change their ways.

I think we're on more unambiguous ground with this next question. That camel urine cocktail looks pretty refreshing and I’ve heard it does wonders for the spleen. Oh, wait, Mo recommended it, so I guess I’d better forego that particular life enriching experience.

How about music? Should I stick on the Bach while I prepare my double bacon sandwich? Well, turns out that Mo’s a bit apoplectic on both counts. Great! I’ll make that a triple bacon sarnie and while I’m at it I’ll whack up the volume on those seductive infidel melodies.

Just learned that my wife’s been having it away on the sly. What do I do? Did she think that a mere woman could sleep around like a man? Haven’t I beaten her enough? Well Mo thinks I should drag her out in the middle of the town square and throw stones and rocks at her until allah mercifully ends her suffering in death. Rather boringly though, my anti-Mo moral compass won’t allow it. What the hell, maybe I should just divorce her?

Now there’s a thought. I will just go up to the bitch, have a last session of non-consensual sex and then beat her up a bit but not so you’d notice. Then I’ll just say: “I divorce you, I divorce you, I divorce you” and leave her to starve. But, major bummer, that’s a another non-starter, because it’s pretty much Mo’s own view on the subject. Oh, I dunno,  maybe I’ll just talk to her. See what the problem is.

Oh Christ, do I need a drink! Well what do you know Mo's down on that too, so let's make it a double. Yep, there is definitely something to be said for using Mohammad as a moral compass!

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If you have lost your way in the moral maze of life. If you often have difficulty in knowing the good take my advice and adopt Mohammad as your moral compass. You won’t regret it. I guarantee that he will almost unerringly indicate the evil way. So if you aspire to the good, just check out what Mohammad has to say on any particular subject … and do the exact opposite.